A Lively Campaign for Williamstown

Posted by Gail M. Burns - February 2012

Presidents’ Day, February 20, 2012

(Note: This is published with Justin’s knowledge and consent, but is clearly meant in good fun. I am NOT affiliated with his completely serious campaign for a seat on the Select Board. I encourage Williamstown voters to listen to all the candidates and vote your consciences.)

My neighbor, Justin, has just announced his intention to run for a seat on the Board of Selectors here in Williamstown. This is an excellent plan and I think he will make a fine Board member, but the trouble with elections in Williamstown is that they are very, very boring. So boring that no one pays any attention to them. I don’t even think that the fact that Justin is a trans-guy will make the newspapers.

This is very dreary and I think our town deserves better, so I think I will run against Justin. I have just given up being a theatre critic and have all this time on my hands, and a good, dirty, name-calling race will draw attention to the actual issues facing the town in a way that our current, almost covert, electoral process cannot and does not.

It is almost mud season, so we will kick off our campaigns with a healthy round of mud-slinging. Its a clear shot across Linden Street from my yard to his, so everyone can get a good view of the proceedings. This event will appeal to people who like to see fat women and trans-guys roll around in the mud, and it will appeal to people who like to see fat women and trans-guys get mud thrown at them. I wouldn’t be surprised if the video of our first debate goes viral on YouTube!

And children – the voters of tomorrow – love mud! This will be a great way to introduce them to our political system.

Of course we will shout loudly at each other about the issues while we sling mud. I’ll shout “Fix the high school!” and he can shout “Affordable housing!” Then I’ll counter with “Build a new police station!” and he can retort “We need a new fire station more urgently!”

After this we will both go inside, shower and change, and come back out to exchange wash buckets so that we can each air the other’s dirty laundry on clothes lines in our respective yards. This will make the environmentalists happy because they are all in favor of using clothes lines instead of dryers, and, as biological weapons go, mud is one of the cleanest.

The following week we will do a whistle stop tour of all the stables and dairy barns in town for some serious muck-raking while calling attention to the plight of our local farmers. Lobbing locally grown produce at each other will commence as soon as the farmer’s market on Spring Street reopens.

I think this colorful campaign strategy offers oodles of excellent photo-ops, and will ensure that someone gets elected….probably the incumbent. Who’s also a really nice guy with many years experience as a dedicated public servant, although not much of a mud-slinger. So discretion really is the better part of valor in this case. I will keep my mud, dirty laundry, and muck-rake at home for now, and let the snooze-worthy Williamstown political process run its course. Wake me when its over…

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